Promises Kept by Dr. Joe Brewster

Author:Dr. Joe Brewster [Brewster, Joe]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-8129-9449-0
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2014-01-13T16:00:00+00:00

TEACHERS, COACHES, SCHOOLS, AND ORGANIZATIONS PARENT, TOO

Importantly, caring adults can use the Parenting Styles chart to support boys whose parents are neglectful or otherwise unengaged. If the Village of aunties and uncles, educators, counselors, coaches, mentors, and others becomes more responsive and demanding—effectively shifting their collective parenting of him toward the permissive, authoritarian, or authoritative styles—they will help to improve his academic, emotional, and behavioral outcomes. And when tragedy strikes, as it does all too often in black families, the Village can surround and protect a child.

When Seun was 17, the accidental death of his younger brother, Jabulani, rocked the family. Grief consumed Tony, Stacey, and Seun’s grandmother, and the children’s needs increased exponentially just as his parents’ ability to respond diminished. For a short time there was a gap. Fortunately, the family members really clung to each other, and community members extended many helping hands. In particular, the special education teacher who had been helping Seun manage his dyslexia threw him a lifeline. She talked to him, offered comfort, and told him that the door to her office was open whenever he wanted to come by, even if he only wanted to sleep. Within a few months, his parents had moved through their darkest hours and had become more responsive and demanding again. The community had successfully protected the children, and the teacher had helped keep Seun safe.

But no matter what we do as parents to adjust our approach to raising our sons, for most of the day our boys aren’t in our hands; they’re in the care of schools, after-school programs, sports leagues, the Boy Scouts, churches, and other entities and organizations. Each of these has an organizational parenting style. Some reflect a specific school of thought; others carry out an organizational mission; still others demonstrate the philosophy of an individual leader, educator, or coach.

While parenting styles vary across institutions and individuals, once black boys walk out the door of their family home, the adults who interact with them—from the bus driver to their coach to their youth leader—almost always use the authoritarian style with them, which arrests their intellectual development and causes misbehavior and depression.

“Oh my God, that explains everything,” says Valerie, the vice principal of a middle school in a very prestigious charter school network that is known to be very demanding of the children. “I just had a conversation about this with my staff.”

Even before learning this information, Valerie had begun wondering if maybe the school’s authoritarian style is counterproductive.

“The teachers are starting to notice boys who act out in school, but when we see them in the community with their mothers, they’re very loving and respectful,” she says. “I told my staff that maybe we’re contributing to the problem—maybe we need to pull back and be more gentle. One of the boys responded immediately: We haven’t had a problem [with him] since. So maybe the problem isn’t them. Maybe it’s us!”

Indeed, instead of treating black boys harshly (high demands/low responsiveness), adults should interact with

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